I don’t want to have kids. What I mean by that, is that I don’t want to give birth.
Pregnancy terrifies me. It’s not a phobia, but it’s pretty damn close to it. I see a pregnant woman and think, how did you let somebody do that to you? I don’t rationally think mothers are disgusting; that doesn’t make sense. It’s a gut reaction. It’s beyond.
Besides that, I don’t think reproducing would be very responsible of me. I’ve held this conviction since I had even the vaguest intimation of how heredity works. I’ve got a family skin disorder that’s linked to not just OTHER skin disorders, but schizophrenia, affective disorders (hi!), and mental retardation. Once someone tried to bounce the genetic responsibility argument back off me; I’m smart, right? I have a responsibility to reproduce. Buddy, if that’s genetic, we’ve got at BEST a one in ten chance of hitting THAT jackpot, two in ten of hitting “average”, as I do have an uncle who isn’t actually stupid - he’s just completely intolerable for other reasons. I should not risk reproducing. I rest my case.
The thing is, I like kids. I like them more than I like their parents, most of the time. I like to talk to them. People really don’t give them enough credit; they understand a lot. A whole lot. I could get kids to understand medical procedures that their parents couldn’t begin to comprehend. I even think kids are pretty cute. I like babies. I don’t mind changing diapers.
I wish I could give someone a good life. Not a perfect life, there isn’t any such thing. I don’t think I’d be ready to even try that sort of thing -the P word, parenting, until I’ve got some of my own problems under better control. But god, man, it sucks so much being the kid with a shitty family. I wish I could just sweep in and rescue some kid from that. I wish I could help them before it broke them. Teach them things that’ll make their lives easier, so they aren’t spending years trying to patch wounds that don’t heal. I wanna sit someone on my knee and tell them that they’ve got someone to talk to - even about dumb stuff - and know that they know I mean that.
I don’t hate myself at all. I might doubt myself, doubt my future, but I’m, you know. I’m okay in the scope of things. But - I want to prevent another me. There don’t need to be more of me around. I’m really, really persistent damaged goods, kinda like a program that was written to solve problems in the least efficient way mathematically possible. Shit gets solved, but at what cost? I’m tired. I don’t like fighting my own programming. It’s all there is to do, though. The other option is to give up. To fail. For better or for worse, that isn’t part of my programming.
I want some kid with shitty parents to wake up one day and not have that future. And I think it would be nice to have a hand in that.
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- angietumblz said: Wow. I honestly share a good portion of these feelings. I’d love to have kids, but I’m just so terrified of going through pregnancy. I would love to adopt kids, for almost the same reasons as you. Give kids from a shitty home a little better life.
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- rassafraggin said: Maybe you could look into volunteer mentoring, or even art-mentoring children at risk, for non-profits like artreachcoterie.org (IIRC you’re in Texas). Might be the next best thing to making a difference by full-on parenting.
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- medinmexico said: The very fact that you’ve given this so much thought shows that you are already head and shoulders above the vast majority of people who want kids.
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- sephiramy said: Maybe not now since, as you said, you have your own things to get through and work on, but someday, you may want to think about foster parenting. There are some kids who could really need you in that circuit.
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- grumperpants said: The sad reality about some situations similar to what I’ve grown up in is the complete refusal to do anything remotely decent for the children, in addition to small town apathy of “that’s just the way it is.”
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- splinteredshard said: Same here. Kids? Sure, why not! Being pregnant and giving birth? OMG DO NOT WANT! D:
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- leeshmae said: I don’t know if this is a weird thing to say, but thanks for writing this. I share a lot of the sentiments you expressed here and it was nice to read about it from someone else. These feelings can be kind of scary to think about.
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- deusexmchna said: This entire post is why I would much rather foster and adopt kids than have my own genetic kids. Not only are there ones that need a break from shitty home life, but there are ones that dont even have a home to call their own.
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- tyuran said: Pregnancy is quite the metamorphosis, isn’t it? Miracle or abomination, take your pick. My understanding of genetics is that everything is a crapshoot, for better or for worse.